A sad unbirthday

Yesterday would have been the 2nd anniversary of my due date.  I think about Nov. 19 all the time, and also the day in June when I had the miscarriage.  The thing for me about not having children is I never know what is going to upset me, or make me sad.  I was doing good yesterday, I had to work so I could not just hide away from the world.  I was doing great until there was a knock at the door.  I opened the door and there was a flower delivery man.  I had no idea who sent me flowers.  I opened the card and they were from Mark.  The card read, We shall remember, Looking forward with hope.  Mark ordered a mix of tulips (my favorite flower), and chrysanthemums (the flower for November)
I was trying so hard to keep it together and I just could not.  It was a long day for me. 

Today  a friend of mine delivered me some chocolate, a coke zero, flowers and the sweetest card.  I am truly blessed, and have made good friends since living in CO.

I have learned many things while living the trial of not having children. For a few years I was convinced that Heavenly Father did not really care about me, and even love me.  I have since realized that is in no way true, and that Heavenly Father loves me just as much as any other person. While I don't have the blessing of children I have many other blessing in my life, although all the blessings in the world do not in any way make up for the one blessing I want most. 

When I look back over the last few years I can see Heavenly Father helping me while I was at my lowest point.   Just a few days before I had my miscarriage I was given a glimpse through the veil.  I saw my baby.  I can't describe the color that was surrounding my baby, it was a mixture of gold, peach, and a salmon type of color.  I have never before seen that color, and have never seen it since.  I was at such peace, and was not trying to get to my baby, just very peacefully looking at my baby.  I was looking for a very long time, and had  no feeling of being rushed.  At the time I did not realize what an incredible blessing I had been given.  It was not until after suffering a miscarriage that I saw the blessing.  Heavenly Father had given me the chance to see my baby, the baby that I most likely will not raise in this life.  At the worst time in my life Heavenly Father gave me the most incredible blessing I could ever hope for.  I am writing about this experience because I don't ever want to forget it.  I know I will have times in my life when I feel like the world is against me, and that Heavenly Father has forgotten about me, and I want to be able to remember this time when I felt like I was the most important person to Heavenly Father, and that all the blessings he had to give were given to me. 

I am so grateful for a husband that recognized how important November 19 is to me, and honored it the best way he could.  I am grateful that Mark holds the priesthood and is able to give me a blessing of comfort.  I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that knew exactly what I would  need to help me get through one of the most painful times of my life.

Maybe I should update this blog!!

Mark and I will be celebrating year #12 in a couple of weeks.  We have already begun making plans, it should be a fun weekend.  I love being married to Mark, he turned out to be the best husband for me. When I think about the last 12 years, I think about all the things I love about Mark.  I love that he holds the priesthood and can give me a blessing whenever I feel like I need one.  I love that he works hard at his job to provide for  us.  I love that he loves me even with all of my faults.  I love that Mark and I both love football, we do not have a lot in common and have very different interests, but we both really enjoy football.  I always look forward to fall, the cooler weather, our anniversary, and football. 


Hopefully my next post will not take two years!!

We have an AWESOME ward

Over the last few weeks Mark and I have discovered how awesome our ward  is.  While we were at the emergency room we contacted the primary president to let her know we would not be teaching the following day.  Within about 15 minutes the elders quorum president called saying he did not know what was wrong but the Bishop asked him to call us.  On Sunday morning our home teacher called to see if he could help with anything, Sunday afternoon the relief society president called to see how I was doing, to see if we needed meals (many ward members were offering to bring us meals) and to see if it would be ok if she came over. She did come over and stayed for about two hours talking to me, and making sure I was ok.  During the next week several Sisters from the ward came to our house to see how I was; they brought cards, some brought flowers, they were all very concerned, and worried about me. One Sister who came over suggested that I go to our ward park day (during the summer our ward has a park day every Thurs.  All the Sisters meet up at a specific park, eat lunch while all the kids play.  This has been going on in our ward for over 20 years.) She said if I did not feel like going that she would drop off her kid's and come over to visit with me.  When Thurs. rolled around I wanted to get out of the house, and thought I might as well go, it just happened to be at the park at the end of our street.  When I arrived I didn't even make it to the area where everyone was sitting before several Sisters in our ward came up to me to see how I was doing, to give me a hug, and as it ended up, to cry with me, so many of the Sisterss that were at the park were worried and concerned for Mark and I.  It was nice to have so much support from our ward family since we do not have any family nearby.  Last Sunday the primary president called and said she was going to drop something off at our neighbors house, and she wanted to stop by.  While she was visiting with us she told me that she had a talk about prayer on CD that she wanted to bring over, but that she was not able to find it, she said she would keep looking.  After she left, and had been gone for a couple of hours she called to let me know she found the CD and she would bring it right over, she does not live far from us, but still, she had already been over once, and she came by again.  Last but not least, the Bishop's wife called one evening last week to say that her and the Bishop were going to stop by.  They came over and brought us some ice cream, the bishop's wife told me that when a sister in our ward had a miscarriage she took her some Ben & Jerry's, then she had a miscarriage a couple years later and that sister brought her some Ben and Jerry's, so she thought that she should bring me some.  Our Bishop was so helpful, he really did know just what to say.  I am so grateful for such a caring and loving ward.  I don't know how I would have gotten through that first week without all of their love and  support.

Putting our life back together

Mark and I are trying to figure out how this could happen to us. I don't think there has been a time in our lives when we have been more sad, or heart broken.

I want to share a quote that has helped my heart begin to heal.  The talk, What Thinks Christ of Me, was given by Elder Neil L Anderson at the April 2012 General Conference.

" Miracles are not always so immediate.  At times we thoughtfully wonder why the miracle we have so earnestly prayed for does not happen her and now.  But as we trust in the Savior, promised miracles will occur.  Whether in this life or the next, all will be made right.  The Savior declares: "Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

May 2012

We are starting our 15th week of pregnancy, so far, so good.  On May 17 we had a screening for Down Syndrome; due to my age my Dr. sent me to a specialist before doing any screenings in her office.  We saw a lot on that ultrasound.  The monitor at the hospital where I had the screening was huge and we could really see in detail our baby.  I really just wanted to see the heartbeat, once we saw the heartbeat we were able to see the spine, and the brain,  IT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!  After seeing the spine, the brain, and the entire baby I thought to myself: it is no wonder I am so tired all the time.  During the ultrasound the baby would not move, the Dr. kept having me move my stomach around to try to get the baby to move, but the baby had no part of it, and did not move one bit.  The Dr. said that just looking at the ultrasound everything looked fine, but that he also wanted to do a blood test that would test the DNA of the baby through my blood.  The Dr. said that this was a new test that was just approved last October, he told us that the test is almost 100% accurate.  We are still waiting on the results, we should get them this week. 

In other baby news, I am not as tired as I have been, I have more energy, and don't feel the need to take a nap everyday, I start to get tired around 4pm, but that is almost the end of my day.  As far a morning sickness, I really have not had any.  I did get sick one day last week, it came and went in less than 5 minutes.  I was expecting the worst, but it was over almost before it started.  The "girls" are still giving me a lot of pain, hopefully that will pass soon.  I have to say that as awful as it is to throw up, I was strangely excited and a little bit happy about it, throwing up for no reason other than being pregnant is such a great feeling, one I thought I would never experience. 

I do seem to be having some strange cravings, Mark and I crack up about that, and joke that the baby has Mark's taste buds.  I was shopping a few weeks ago and needed to pick up a dessert for Mothers Day.  I assumed I would pick up a brownie mix, or some chocolate ice cream,  as I was looking at the ice cream, and thinking about brownies, I have to tell you it was kind of making me feel sick; but what sounded so good to me was an apple pie! Wait, What?, I don't like apple pie, I like brownies with chocolate ice cream, the thought of eating all that chocolate just made me sick to my stomach.  When I got home from the store Mark asked what we were having for dessert, I said apple pie, Mark replied "What"?  I know, I don't even like apple pie.  I have to say that it tasted so delicious.  I also seem to like applesauce, and yogurt, two foods I really have not liked in the past, but Mark loves.  The other food that I find delicious, that I did not like at all before pregnancy are Doritos, I DON'T LIKE THEM, that is a food that Mark likes, not me, and now that I am pregnant I seem to love them.  Mark loves to tease me that the baby likes all the same stuff he likes. 

I do want to mention a dream that I had.  I don't really think I should go into much detail, but I am sure I saw our baby.  I only hope that the baby in the dream looks like the baby we will be having in Nov.  I can't imagine having another baby when I am 41-42.  If you look at Mark's blog though, that looks less likely of happening.

The next big event we are waiting for is to find out the gender of our baby.  I think we will have to wait until my July appt.  For now we continue to call the baby Isaac/Abigail.  I can't wait to find out what we are having and start buying some clothes.  Just as a note, Mark and I both think we are having a boy. 

March & April 2012

A few days before March 19 it occurred to me that my period was late. This has happened in the past, I have peed on a stick only for my period to begin the next day. I did not want to spend the money for a test thinking there is no way that I could be pregnant. However, it was closing in on two weeks late. On Monday March 19 I was doing some shopping and I figured I had better buy a test just to make sure. I got home, took the test, and to my surprise it was positive.  Then I called Mark at school and he asked me what kind of test it was.  I told him it was a Safeway brand.  He told me to go back and get a brand name test.  I went back & bought 2, and took a total of five tests, as I could not believe it.  We saw the nurse practitioner & mid-wife at the doctor's office on April 02nd, and saw the little baby on the ultrasound and were given a due date of November 19, 2012.  The next appointment is on May 1st, and I will meet the actual doctor.  A miracle! Especially since Mark's doctor(s) told Mark in November that there was no way he could ever have children with his current readings.  The doc put Mark on a new medicine in January and told him that although the odds were very low, it was the best treatment for his endocrine issues if we wanted to have a baby.  We are so excited!

Okay, this is Mark with an update.  I was about to go back up to Rohnert Park from Rebecca's parents house in Petaluma on Saturday night (April 21st), when Rebecca told me not to go, and her Mom said that she needed to go to the emergency room.  To make a long story short, we think that she really exerted herself on Saturday and the doctor put her on 24 hour bed rest, and gave instructions for further bed rest if necessary.  We got to see a newer ultrasound of the bigger baby (embryo) too, so everything turned out okay.  Apparently 50% of women spot, so we appeared to be in the clear after the examination. We have a revised due date of November 24, 2012 now. We did end up missing our trip to Galt on Sunday though.  We had made plans to go out there for a Sunday visit as David was involved in state testing all week. That ruined our birthday card delivery plans as well...oh well. 

I am hoping that we can fit in a trip to the beach.  Rebecca did really well just resting on Monday, but Tuesday was her birthday and she had a big day (I was at Steven's condo) going to breakfast and shops and going to the hospital to fetch the dictated doctor records, then faxing them in from a Kinkos, running errands, getting in and out of a borrowed truck with a high, difficult entrance. I put her on bed rest last night and had to lay down the law that she needs to take it easy.  I don't think she knows what that is sometimes.

We are very excited, and after waiting over 8 1/2 years, we had decided to enjoy the pregnancy and not worry too much (thanks hospital visit, for your attempt to change that). Owing to a blessing from my dad back in 2010, we have already picked out names.  If it is a boy, he will be named Isaac Nicholas, and if a girl, she will named Abigail Sue.

Addendums

Mark emailed me some events that I left out of my post.

In January right before Mark started school again, we finally tried Flatz and that Mark ate some duck, elk & bison steak. We also had a day where the cold dropped to -17, the coldest it has ever been here. That's weird because we have had maybe, and maybe is a stretch, two good snowstorms this winter.

August - Howard & Rachel came over & helped put Mark's big cubicle desk together. Then football season started. In October, I bought Mark the official authentic 49er players jersey. That generosity helped my team to a 8-8 record, whereas his team, well, wasn't as good.

In November Mark also bought a 4G Sprint Epic phone for me. It is the greatest thing, but Mark has the nerve to say that I am always on my little computer. It is not a computer...okay it is.

In February Mark's parents came over for Emma's baptism and Mark & Steven and his Dad spent a day on projects at the house. We also threw out our old "franken-couch" in the family room and got new blinds in the downstairs just prior to their visit. Mark was embarrassed by how bad they looked and didn't want his parents to see how the "real" condition that we'd been living in , hahaha.