A sad unbirthday

Yesterday would have been the 2nd anniversary of my due date.  I think about Nov. 19 all the time, and also the day in June when I had the miscarriage.  The thing for me about not having children is I never know what is going to upset me, or make me sad.  I was doing good yesterday, I had to work so I could not just hide away from the world.  I was doing great until there was a knock at the door.  I opened the door and there was a flower delivery man.  I had no idea who sent me flowers.  I opened the card and they were from Mark.  The card read, We shall remember, Looking forward with hope.  Mark ordered a mix of tulips (my favorite flower), and chrysanthemums (the flower for November)
I was trying so hard to keep it together and I just could not.  It was a long day for me. 

Today  a friend of mine delivered me some chocolate, a coke zero, flowers and the sweetest card.  I am truly blessed, and have made good friends since living in CO.

I have learned many things while living the trial of not having children. For a few years I was convinced that Heavenly Father did not really care about me, and even love me.  I have since realized that is in no way true, and that Heavenly Father loves me just as much as any other person. While I don't have the blessing of children I have many other blessing in my life, although all the blessings in the world do not in any way make up for the one blessing I want most. 

When I look back over the last few years I can see Heavenly Father helping me while I was at my lowest point.   Just a few days before I had my miscarriage I was given a glimpse through the veil.  I saw my baby.  I can't describe the color that was surrounding my baby, it was a mixture of gold, peach, and a salmon type of color.  I have never before seen that color, and have never seen it since.  I was at such peace, and was not trying to get to my baby, just very peacefully looking at my baby.  I was looking for a very long time, and had  no feeling of being rushed.  At the time I did not realize what an incredible blessing I had been given.  It was not until after suffering a miscarriage that I saw the blessing.  Heavenly Father had given me the chance to see my baby, the baby that I most likely will not raise in this life.  At the worst time in my life Heavenly Father gave me the most incredible blessing I could ever hope for.  I am writing about this experience because I don't ever want to forget it.  I know I will have times in my life when I feel like the world is against me, and that Heavenly Father has forgotten about me, and I want to be able to remember this time when I felt like I was the most important person to Heavenly Father, and that all the blessings he had to give were given to me. 

I am so grateful for a husband that recognized how important November 19 is to me, and honored it the best way he could.  I am grateful that Mark holds the priesthood and is able to give me a blessing of comfort.  I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that knew exactly what I would  need to help me get through one of the most painful times of my life.

Maybe I should update this blog!!

Mark and I will be celebrating year #12 in a couple of weeks.  We have already begun making plans, it should be a fun weekend.  I love being married to Mark, he turned out to be the best husband for me. When I think about the last 12 years, I think about all the things I love about Mark.  I love that he holds the priesthood and can give me a blessing whenever I feel like I need one.  I love that he works hard at his job to provide for  us.  I love that he loves me even with all of my faults.  I love that Mark and I both love football, we do not have a lot in common and have very different interests, but we both really enjoy football.  I always look forward to fall, the cooler weather, our anniversary, and football. 


Hopefully my next post will not take two years!!